Never had the chance

From WWR

My daughter participated in a program designed to teach kids about the dangers of drinking and driving called, " Every 15 Minutes." During the program, she was tapped as having been killed in an alcohol related accident. My job...to write a letter to her, "Every 15 minutes someone dies in an alcohol related traffic accident; today you were killed, I never had the chance..."

Below is that letter; the hardest thing I think I have ever been asked to do.

Dear Caiti,

I never had the chance to tell you that I was absolutely devastated beyond what words could ever hope to describe when my dad passed away. It was as if someone had reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. He and I had been very close as I was growing up, especially through my teenage years. A part of me was lost forever the day died.

Your mom and I were as excited as any new couple could be. In the nine months that preceded your birth we planned and dreamed your whole life out for you. We had so much love for you that I’m sure you cold feel it even before you were born.

You were distressed at birth, your heart wasn’t working, you weren’t breathing, nor were may of your other bodily systems working and the doctors didn’t have much hope that your would survive. The prospect of losing you was so horrible, it came very close to what I felt when I lost my dad, but you stayed with us. The only reason it wasn’t as bad was because you were still there. My love for you by then was so strong by then that I gladly would have given my life in exchange for yours.

Through the years there were the first smiles, the first words, the first steps and the first of many things to come. I remember sitting by your cradle watching you sleep, and holding you, playing with you as you grew. Each time you smiled at me you became even more precious to me.

There was kindergarten graduation, art projects, school plays, choir, piano lessons and recitals, violin, and your school grades that made me so proud. The times we shared as you grew up, the first fish you caught, the flowers you planted, the games we played and all the fun we had. My love for you has only grown deeper by the day. Before my very eyes you have turned into this beautiful young woman.

I can’t begin to find words to tell you how proud of you I am every time I see you on stage either in the choir at Chugiak or with your mom. You’ve become your own person and you’re creating your own dreams now. You have made me so happy as I watch you grow, and I am so excited for you as you begin to make your own life.

I have never taken the time to tell you just how much I love you, and that is something I will regret the rest of my life. When that drunk driver took you from us my life was destroyed again, even more so than it was the first time. I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to recover this time around. The love a child has for a parent is only surpassed by the love a parent has for the child. That love is so all consuming that when taken from us there is nothing left but an empty shell to go through the motions of living.

The shattered dreams and the joys forever unknown have created such a hole in my soul that there is little in my remaining days that could even come close to filling the void. I had so hoped to fill my life with memories of the joys we shared, and not the sorrow of what could have been. I had the chance, but never did tell you what I should have told you every day, “Caiti, I love you and I am so proud to be your father.”

Dad